Could You Be A Little Less Black For The Camera?

I have just finished watching the documentary "Shake Hands With The Devil", which serves as a companion piece to Romeo Dallaire's book of the same name. It chronicles the Rwandan genocide on the occasion of the 10th anniversary, and Dallaire's first trip back to that country.

I don't know why, but I'm somewhat obsessed with the Rwandan nightmare, and the events that surrounded it. I bought Dallaire's book in hardcover in its first week on the shelves, I read transcripts of the international tribunals and genocide trials, I consume information whenever I come across it. It doesn't make sense - I have been alive through scores of "crimes against humanity", there is a different nightmare every time I look up, and yet this is the one that has marred and marked me in a way I can't explain. I have probably spent more time studying what happened in Rwanda than anyone I know (and when I say "know" I mean in my immediate circle) and yet I know absolutely nothing. I know no more than is accessible in news clips and empty recitations of facts. Even when immersing myself in it, I am only reminded that I know nothing about it, and could repeat almost none of what I know to anyone who asked me. And still it feels indelible.

Something about the whole portrayal of these events in Western media disturbs me terribly. A country in crisis was ignored, a colonized history that cleaved them in two shrugged off by the ones responsible for it, and the horrific deaths of 800000 people essentially chalked up to the erasable blackboard of history. Children were hacked to pieces appendage by appendage in front of their parents, mothers were raped and macheted slowly in front of their children. But what do I hear in the media when it reflects on these events today? I hear the story of a white western general and how he nearly lost his mind because of what he endured in Rwanda. The documentaries are about him, the in-depth looks at the horrors of war repeat his post-mission emotional devastation, the close-ups are all of him as we see his haunted look. We think: what has this terrible human butchery wrought upon this man?

This man. I take nothing away from Dallaire and what he experienced in Rwanda. But I cannot fail to note that he is the person of interest, not those who endure these memories every day because it happened to their mother, father, sister, child - to them. We hear how he must take pills and go to therapy to manage to move on - where are the stories about what the actual individuals who were being stalked and butchered must do to survive today? Where are their books? Why do I not know their names? Why is the name on the book flying off the shelves "Romeo Dallaire" and not "President Paul Kagame"? As leader of the RPF, as a Tutsi, as a man who saw his community, family, troops and friends being exterminated, are his words not the ones we should be beating down doors to get? Has a western publisher given him an advance to tell his story?

It saddens me to realize that, in the now-effortless lamenting of the sins of the western world for not caring about a nation largely because its citizens are black and poor, we are still only interested in the white guy's take on the story, and our hearts still bleed for the white guy's suffering today. If Dallaire were not so dedicated to ensuring that the Rwandan story is heard, and such an unwittingly tragic (thus ultimately romantic) figure, would anyone really talk about it again? Would I have seen a documentary on it tonight? Would the Sundance Film Festival theatres be full? In the end, we are listening because it is a white western man's voice speaking and we are disinterested in seeking the black voices of the people this happened to. Even in our remembrance we repeat the crime.

Nice to see how well we learn.

Spare Any Change? (Or: Have You Seen Connie Allyerd?)

The life of a SuperSpy is not all fun and games. Like everything else, there's paperwork. Take right now, for example: I'm supposed to be writing a grant application to get money to fund my covert activities. What, you thought there was some bald guy with an eye patch and a white cat bankrolling this whole thing? Not even close...instead I kick the propaganda machine into motion and don my Marketing Specialist identity, Con-All-Yer-Dollars (Code-name: Con Allyerd). Connie heads up the Crowbar Ministry of Finance and is the queen of spouting meaningless phrases like "target population", "agency networking", and "under-resourced sector". She rolls 'em out into forms, files, applications, appeals, and other forms of legal begging and crosses her fingers. If I'm lucky, the crap she spews is just incomprehensible and jargon-laden enough to convince Dark Side Forces that we're speaking their language, and they may mistakenly shift some of their funds our way. They believe they're investing in spreading their social control and re-education umbrella still further through an unsuspecting populace: it is in our interests to allow them to continue to believe that.

That said, Con Allyerd is fickle and sometimes she doesn't turn up when she's called. We here at Crowbar Headquarters have been attempting to page her all day, but she's off galivanting around, charming nickles out of parking meters and pickpocketing CEOs. This is inconvenient, as the grant she's supposed to be writing is due tomorrow and she hasn't even started fashioning her usual buzzwords and mass-marketing appeals. If you see her, could you tell her Crowbar's looking for her and, man, is she pissed?

In the meantime, I guess I'll just have try some of her usual inspirational methods, like drinking cold coffee and messing around with WinAmp playlists, in hopes that some of Con's ever-so-convincing marketing genius rubs off on me.

Crowbar, On Nostalgia: "Who Did You Say You Were?"

A key element of being an effective secret agent is the ability to adopt complete identities, live them fully, and then walk away leaving no trace behind when the mission is completed. Crowbar, like any good agent, has posed as many people over the years and left many lives behind, studiously erasing her trail as she went. It is a rare day indeed that spectres of identities long abandoned can track her down once she's on a new mission. Crowbar is, as we know, very good at what she does, particularly the disappearing portion.

So good, in fact, that she has developed the enviable ability to erase unnecessary mission details from her mind in their entirety, leaving only the pertinent and necessary components. Without this skill, one suspects her memory would be overrun by details of trivial events, peripheral players and operatives, irrelevant conversations and red herring intelligence with no value to overall mission objectives. The challenge has been devising an untraceable system to store and retrieve historical intelligence information should it become necessary to access it, the sheer lunacy of keeping records on secret identities being obvious to anyone, even those not in the spy business. The fastest way to make sure everyone knows something is to write it down, after all, and Crowbar is almost as good at expunging incriminating evidence as the Government.

That's why it came as a complete shock when a call came into Crowbar Headquarters this week from a mystery man claiming to know our favourite spy from a long-dead past identity. Not only that, he wanted to invite her to a "reunion" with others from that previous incarnation, all of whom apparently remember her also.

Panic ensued. This kind of security breach is unprecedented and sent our hero flying to the proverbial Red Phone to begin putting together a backgrounder on the mystery caller (Target-X) and what his prior contact with Crowbar entailed. The Crowbar Mission Intelligence Retrieval System is ingenious - she stores all historical mission data in the memories of key contacts who were involved in past operations and familiar with prior identities. These operatives are expert in their ability to pull up historical intelligence and before long the details on this week's security breach were compiled, utilizing their near-total recall. Only one puzzle piece remained: how did this individual manage to track Crowbar into her current mission identity and where did he get the number for Crowbar Headquarters?

The situation alert was elevated to Breach Code Red when Target-X called Crowbar Headquarters 11 times in a 36 hour period. Obviously any SuperSpy does not randomly answer phone calls unless the identity of the caller is known and a dossier is compiled - particularly those that appear to have a forced casualness and mounting desperation simultaneously. As such, each call was routed through the HQ Phone screening filter and recorded for later analysis. Although his messages demonstrated that Target-X maintained unnerving recall of Crowbar's past identity (especially as she recalls him not at all), the breach alert was mitigated by the fact that he appeared to have little, if any, knowledge about her current cover.

After two days, and research extending as far afield as Nova Scotia, Canada, a full situation report and historical dossier was compiled. It appears details of Crowbar's current whereabouts had been leaked by an infrequent NS link, tracked by Target-X through a Google search. The NS link, being generally unaware of our hero's secret agent status, thought little of assisting the questioner in locating her. This contact also leaked the number for Crowbar HQ, believing Target-X to be "harmless". Even the NS link, however, began to get suspicious after Target-X made repeated contacts, attempting to get more and more details on Crowbar's current identity.

The following Situation Summary was received from Crowbar Headquarters at 7:15 EST:

"Security breach reported. Breach Code Red activated.
Perimeter sealed. Intelligence mission launched.
Situation Report Compiled.
Operation Shutdown launched.
Nova Scotia leak --> Plugged.
Target-X --> Terminated with Extreme Prejudice.
Breach Code Red cancelled. Perimeter secured.
Operation Shutdown successful.
Situation Summary filed."

Crowbar doesn't fuck around.

Prison Diaries #2 - Inside, we carry our own truths...

Cake Wafit stood outside The Dark Side Re-education Centre, smoking her cigarette and absently employing the Smile and Nod Ruse, as PURE EVIL babbled away about something. Something to do with rehabilitating youth, and teaching them how to "take responsibility", teaching them not to "blame others" for their problems, and that they can't "use a bad history as an excuse" forever. The words all merged into a background of white noise, as other words in Cake's head rose up to overshadow them, the words of the young women she talks to, their real position on "learning to take responsibility".... is that really the problem? That these "criminals", these "delinquent youth" don't know how to take responsibility for things? That they want to make excuses? Let's listen in to what Cake was thinking about, the conversation she's recalling, and see:

"The worst night of my life was when somebody told me it wasn't my fault. Oh, I don't mean I'd never heard it before, or I never thought of it before, that's not the case at all. No, quite the opposite, people say it to me all the time. 'It's not your fault your family was fucked up, it's not your fault you got raped, it's not your fault you have no one, it's not your fault you were so unhappy.' People say it over and over, they say it and the words blossom from their mouths with no effort, no weight, no consciousness. It's like saying 'fine', when someone says 'how are you?'. It's automatic:
'I was sexually abused'. 'It's not your fault.'

Then I say 'I know it's not', everyone nods meaningfully, and we can all go on our merry way, sure of the fact that what was supposed to be said, got said. I guess we're all supposed to feel better. 'Oh good, you know it's not your fault, I told you it's not your fault, so now you'll stop being bad. I guess you're gonna be fine now.' Fine.

Except it's bullshit, it's all a raging pile of bullshit.
'It's not your fault'.
'I know it's not. For a long time I thought it was my fault, but now I know it isn't. Wasn't. Whatever.'

Bullshit. I've never known anything of the kind. It is my fault, it is totally my fault. There is something wrong with *me*, inside, I know it. I keep it a secret. The biggest effort of my life is making sure no one else figures it out, but I know it. There's something wrong with me, there always has been. That's why my childhood upset me so much, when it really wasn't that bad. That's why everyone always leaves me. That's why everyone likes me until I show them the real me and then they never treat me the same way again. It's because of me. There's something wrong with me.

It's my fault. It's my fault that I'm fucked up inside, and people always realize it eventually and they run to save themselves. Who could blame them? It must be such a nasty shock, realizing this person they thought was so okay, so cool, is really totally pathetic and not someone you want to be around. They must feel tricked, when you think about it. But they all figure it out in the end. Although it goes against all the cardinal rules of social work, therapy - all that crap - to admit it, the basic fact is that sometimes it IS your fault and I know it's mine. I'm too fucked up to be lovable. People start to love me but then they stop. They realize that they didn't know what they were buying into, it's just a matter of time.

I could stop it, I know I could. I could just pretend forever, with everyone. I could never tell them how I really feel, I could never tell them about the nights that I just want to cut my arms open, I could never tell them when I feel like I'm dying. Then they wouldn't know and they'd keep thinking I'm so together, and they wouldn't realize what a fuck up I really am. And they wouldn't leave. But I'm stupid, so stupid, because I cling to this belief that love and intimacy are supposed to be about being truthful, that if I don't tell them what's really in my heart then we're not really *close*, and then I'd know for sure that I'm the reason I feel so far away from it all. So then that'd be my fault too. If my relationship makes me feel empty, it's because I won't take the risks, it's because I won't open up. I tell myself I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I don't want it to fail. So I take a deep, wavering, terrified breath and I tell them who I really am. I tell myself I'm chickenshit if I don't and that it'll be my fault if I'm unhappy, because I didn't try. So I tell them, even though I'm scared. And they see me for what I am, and they cannot stand the feeling of death and despair that is being with me, and they have to go. To save themselves from being trapped in my skull, my world, with me. It's a horrible place, I know. I wouldn't choose to be in it if I lived in a different world, one where things were happy or sad, exciting or boring, interesting or dull. But that's not mine, mine is just a long dark night of emptiness and even I can't stand the echo. It just goes on and on and on. And as it starts to ring in their ears too, they start to realize that coming home to me feels like death, like they're being pulled down into an abyss they didn't create and don't know the way out of either. So they have to go, they leave to find other people, live people, people who breathe and feel and experience and have meaning. I would go too, if I could.

But don't tell me it's not my fault, because it is. It's the death that I carry with me, it's the smell of decay and the stillness and the soullessness of my life, the never-ending shades of grey. And I am that person, the one who makes everyone have to go to save themselves, because I'm fucked up. Because there's something wrong with me. Doctors tell me I have a mental illness, and that's 'not my fault', but inside I know I've really described it in a way that makes me sound sick. Because on some level I want them to say there's something wrong with me. Then maybe they'll give me drugs, they'll give me reasons, they'll give me absolution. I know the right ways to say things, even when I'm trying not to. But I know I'm hoping so hard for a reason, just to explain it all, to make it 'not my fault'. So I know I'm lying even when I'm trying to tell the truth. When I don't say it the way they need to hear it they send me away thinking "there's nothing really wrong with her, she's just a complainer". So then I know that's my fault too.

But I was talking about the worst night of my life. The worst night of my life was when someone told me it wasn't my fault, someone in my family, someone who'd always said it was. Finally, this one night, they said, "It's not your fault. It was as bad as you thought. I would have done the same things you did, if I were you. You're not crazy. It really was that bad." You'd think that would have made me feel better, huh? They always say it'll make you feel better, if you really believe it's not your fault. Well, for that night, I really did believe it wasn't my fault and it nearly killed me. I cried and cried and cried and felt like I was left with nothing. If it wasn't my fault, if I'm not crazy, if it was really that bad, then that meant I really did have this terrible life. And there was no buffer between me and it. And I've never been making any of it up. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? How do I protect myself from that? I just curled up in a ball and sobbed and felt lost and scared and didn't know what to do. How do you deal with it if it's really real? I never felt so much grief in my life. I thought I'd never stop crying and all I wanted was that terrible ache in my chest to go away. Like I said, worst night of my life.

It wore off, eventually. I felt raw for a while, but soon enough my pieces came back together. I started to realize that the person who told me that, the person who said it really was that bad, was pretty caught up in how I was feeling that night. I'm good at that, I'm good at painting emotion pictures and painting you into them. Well, I did it that night, and I painted that person in, and, inside my picture, they saw through my eyes. So they agreed with me, in that moment. But that doesn't mean either of our perceptions were right, it was just the intensity of what we were feeling right then. But it wore off, over time. And I can still see how people leave once they get to know me, and how I always end up alone, and how, deep down, there really is something wrong with me, I just really wanted to believe it was something else. Maybe there was a reason, once, but it doesn't matter anymore because what's broke is broke, and I'm definitely fucking broken.

Anyway, so people say 'it's not your fault' and I just feel worse because I feel like I've tricked them. And I don't wanna have to argue with them and prove to them that it is me, that I'm the fucked one now. What's the point? They just use it as proof that I really am fucked up in how I think, but just in the way they say I am, not in the way I say I am. They say I'm fucked up because I believe it's my fault, I say I'm fucked up and that's the reason it's my fault. And what the hell difference does it make? Fucked up is fucked up.

'It's not your fault'. I fucking hate it when people say that."

'Yup', thought Cake, as she ground out her cigarette and flashed a tight smile at the sanctimonious PURE EVIL still nattering on about what's wrong with "youth today". 'You've sure figured out what's wrong with all these bad girls, you've got it all worked out. It's that they don't know how to take any fuckin' responsibility.'

Cake went home to stare at the wall. Crowbar looked for things to smash. They couldn't even talk to each other.

Structural integrity compromised. Send Sudafed...

The following communique was received from Crowbar Headquarters earlier today:

"It appears the forces of The Dark Side(TM) have infiltrated Crowbar HQ and introduced some sort of biological agent. I am weak, coughing, sneezing, congested, and possibly feverish. The Dark Side forces may also be attempting to maintain an environmental stress factor, in that the temperature is impossibly cold. Finally, they are keeping up the pressure by ensuring Crowbar HQ never has hot water, so I cannot do the only thing that might alleviate my misery, that being bringing my core temperature up in a bath.

Even my faithful Feline Unit, Chisel, appears to be under the weather. Damn those Dark Side forces! Biological warfare is just low..."

Chisel: Crowbar Feline Unit [picture by Ruk]

Fortunately, Crowbar's secret agent training has prepared her for such eventualities and she has kicked in Operation Virus-Smasher. This involves playing old-school reggae & dancehall at high volumes in order to create the illusion of a warmer climate and relaxation (baffling behaviour from a Dark Side perspective), staying out of uniform all day, and watching old intelligence tapes on television. The following coded message was found in Boyz 'N the Hood: "Either they don't know, don't show, or don't care what's going on in the hood." Too true, too true. Of course we've long known Ice Cube is one of us....

The Crowbar Inauguration Day Special Edition

[Inauguration Day Special links archived here]

Welcome to the Crowbar Inauguration Day Special, where all our links and rants commemorate the swearing in of "The Giggling Killer", and the further descent of our planet into fascism and US hegemony. Oh, what a glorious moment in the world's history! The rolling tyranny of Bush's comments have been echoing through my head all day, no matter how I try to expunge them. The CNN coverage of the inaugural ceremony struck deep horror in my heart. Sycophantic rhetoric and beauty pagaent commentary only underscored the new role of the press as official Fellators-In-Chief for this administration: "On your knees, CNN, the President needs a blow job!".
I nearly burst a blood vessel when one commentator babbled, "And now we see the presidential daughters, looking lovely as they always do...". You are a reporter? This is what passes for commentary now?!
'And here we have Jenna, sporting a lovely ensemble in green and orange...'.
I do not need inane reflections on the dress and/or presentation of Political Barbie children, CNN; particularly when there are protestors and dissenting voices from all over the country that you are choosing to largely ignore in your so-called coverage. Instead of choosing to report on the only newsworthy component of today's dog and pony show - that being the unprecedented stratification of the citizens of the world, as demonstrated by the pro and anti Bush presence in Washington - you preferred instead to maintain a breathless dialogue about the Administration Cast of Characters, as though they were heading up the red carpet at the Oscars. Must be hard to have to accept that you're on the same "news" par with Entertainment Tonight.

A casual observer outside of Crowbar Headquarters today might have heard some of the following shouts emanating from within:

"Stop pausing for applause, you stupid numb fuck!!"
"You are such a stupid cockknocker."
"Okay, stop talking. Really, stop talking."
"How DARE he speak about the needs of women?!"
"Fucking religious zealot."
"You unbelieveable prick!"

In fact I appear to have developed some kind of Tourettes-like condition that renders me completely incapable of hearing George W. Bush speak without yelling out loud at the inanimate object that is my television. But hear him speak I did, and I now share, for your reading nausea, some excerpts of his remarks for those of you who were lucky or intelligent enough to miss it when he spewed it at the nation:

"We have seen our vulnerability -- and we have seen its deepest source. For as long as whole regions of the world simmer in resentment and tyranny, prone to ideologies that feed hatred and excuse murder..."
[I'm sorry, did you say "excuse murder"? Oh, you mean like how the US stands with China and Iran as the world leaders in executing their own citizens? Or how nearly all executions for juvenile crime in the world today are performed by the USA, and it is one of only 7 countries in the world who still practice the execution of juveniles? (the others being The Congo, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Yeman, Nigeria and Iran) Shit, wouldn't want to be "prone to ideologies that feed hatred and excuse murder".]

"There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment, and expose the pretensions of tyrants..."
[Careful now George - I don't think you want to go too far down the whole 'exposing pretensions of tyrants' path...the media might think you're suggesting they stop sucking your dick and start doing their jobs.]

"From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this Earth has rights and dignity and matchless value, because they bear the image of the Maker of heaven and Earth."
[What? I have rights because why, exactly? Because I bear the image of who? Keep your religious zealotry out of my mirror, God-boy, I bear my own damn image. And a little bit of my dad's.]

"Across the generations we have proclaimed the imperative of self-government, because no one is fit to be a master, and no one deserves to be a slave."
[Tell that to the millions of Black and Latino Americans imprisoned in your institutions who are forced to work for private industry for pennies an hour, as part of your Prison-Industrial Complex. Here's a clue - if a vastly disproportionate number of the people you imprison are people of colour, and if forced prison labour pools are supporting a portion of your economy, then you have simply reinstituted slavery in a newly legitimized and institutionalized form.]

Advancing these ideals is the mission that created our nation. It is the honorable achievement of our fathers.
[Uh, did our mothers have anything to do with "advancing these ideals"? No? Okay, sorry for the interruption...]

"Freedom, by its nature, must be chosen,"
[I don't even know what to say. "Freedom, by its nature, must be chosen". Does he even LISTEN to himself when he talks? So how does he justify the United States oh-so-paternalistic "liberation" of Iraqis? I don't recall the citizenry of Iraq approaching the US government and requesting that they be bombed into 'Freedom'.]

"...and sustained by the rule of law and the protection of minorities..."
[except when the rule of law insists that you give rights to people you don't want to have them, or that you not torture people. Suddenly the rule of law is a slippery little critter indeed...]

"America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling."
[100000 dead Iraqis beg to differ. Or maybe you mean you'll only impose your own hand-picked puppet officials, who have long histories of financial dealings with US interests?]

"America's influence is not unlimited, but, fortunately for the oppressed, America's influence is considerable..."
[Ooooh George, *nothing* about the fact that you have power is 'fortunate for the oppressed'. ]

"We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation: the moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and freedom, which is eternally right."
[Or, stated another way, the choice between doing what we tell you and supporting our interests, or having us blow the fuck out of you and your smarmy little populations. Particularly if you're brown.]

"America will not pretend that jailed dissidents prefer their chains, or that women welcome humiliation and servitude"
[Crowbar throws remote control at television and sputters incoherently...]

"America's belief in human dignity will guide our policies."
[Again, unless it is in our interests to strip you naked, put you on leashes, mock your genitalia...then your 'human dignity' is kinda secondary, and we'll guide our policies to accommodate that.]

"Yet rights must be more than the grudging concessions of dictators; they are secured by free dissent"
[...except dissenters being thrown out of Republican events, fenced off "free-speech zones" miles from the actual convention, forced signing of loyalty oaths and screened questions in order to attend campaign 'town hall' meetings, FBI "visits" to people who are overheard disagreeing with administration policies, people removed from shopping malls for wearing t-shirts with the word 'peace' on them...oh yeah, gotta love free dissent.]

"In the long run, there is no justice without freedom, and there can be no human rights without human liberty."
[That was a slick way of making the administrations point that the suspension of civil liberties is necessary to retain freedom, so would you all please stop screaming about "justice" and "human rights" for detainees? Complete doublethink: "We must preserve rights & freedoms, thus we are taking away rights & freedoms, as it is critical to the greater cause of preserving rights & freedoms." And the idiots voted for him. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. See today's reading pick.]

"Some, I know, have questioned the global appeal of liberty"
[Odd. I haven't heard anyone question the global appeal of liberty. I have certainly heard them question the global appeal of having Americans bomb the shit out of their homes and cities, kill tens of thousands of their citizens, and siphon off their natural resources while saying 'it's for your own good'...]

"Americans, of all people, should never be surprised by the power of our ideals [read: the power of our weaponry]. Eventually, the call of freedom comes to every mind and every soul [including the freedom from American occupation]. We do not accept the existence of permanent tyranny because we do not accept the possibility of permanent slavery. [That's funny. I thought you did not accept it because of WMD's. This is getting complicated...] Liberty will come to those who love it. [Ministry of Love, anyone?]

"All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors."
[Unless they make money for us. Like Saudi Arabia, or Pakistan or the Taliban before we changed our minds: "Women being executed in public squares? Ah well...we gotta negotiate this oil pipeline...". Oh yeah, and if your country has no economic profile at all, like Rwanda, well then we'll let 800000 of you die 'cause there's no cost/benefit.]

"When you stand for your liberty, we will stand with you."
[Unless your revolutionaries try to overthrow dictators or US-installed governments who are financially beneficial to us. Then we'll give them arms and training to decimate your resistance.]

"Democratic reformers facing repression, prison, or exile can know: America sees you for who you are, the future leaders of your free country."
[Unless you're actually IN our country - then you're unpatriotic traitors and a threat to national security.]

"The rulers of outlaw regimes can know that we still believe as Abraham Lincoln did: "Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves, and, under the rule of a just God, cannot long retain it."
[What about secular nations who prefer the rule of law to the rule of gods? Do they get freedom too?]

"And all the allies of the United States can know: We honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel, and we depend on your help. Division among free nations is a primary goal of freedom's enemies."
[In other words, if we say 'war', we expect you to agree with us, right or wrong. And pay for it too, whether you want to or not. If you don't, the terrorists win. The other terrorists, that is...]

"Our country has accepted obligations that are difficult to fulfill, and would be dishonorable to abandon [created obligations - nobody asked you to destroy Iraq, remember? In fact, a lot of people tried to stop you] . Yet, because we have acted in the great liberating tradition of this nation, tens of millions have achieved their freedom. [Um, I'm sorry, who? Who has achieved freedom? 'Cause you surely can't be talking about Iraq, on the brink of civil war, or Afghanistan, where religious warlords are taking control of entire communities, right?] By our efforts, we have lit a fire, as well..." [finally, something I can agree with] "-- a fire in the minds of men" [ah shit, there we go with forgetting 50% of the population again...fuck the minds of women! Birth them babies, damn you!]

"Some have shown their devotion to our country in deaths that honored their whole lives -- and we will always honor their names and their sacrifice." [Unless Ted Koppel wants to actually READ their names on Nightline. Then we don't wanna hear their names. But the REST of the time, we will always honour their names.]

"I ask our youngest citizens to believe the evidence of your eyes. You have seen duty and allegiance in the determined faces of our soldiers. You have seen that life is fragile, and evil is real, and courage triumphs. Make the choice to serve in a cause larger than your wants, larger than yourself..."
[This is just disgusting, there's not even sarcasm that can be pulled from it. He just specifically asked the "youngest citizens" to choose to drink the Koolaid and die for his illegal wars, despite what they might want for themselves. Thank you, Jim Jones. And he did this with his own two daughters sitting behind him, neither of whom are serving or in uniform. If he felt that was what the nation's youngest citizens should do, why hasn't he sent his daughters to do it? If the cause is larger than their wants, there should be no good reason they are not both enlisted. I am absolutely sickened by this man. He is not speaking to his own children or to any of his friends' children. He means the children of the poor, who are overwhelmingly the ones who die on battlefields.]

"America has need of idealism and courage, because we have essential work at home -- the unfinished work of American freedom. In a world moving toward liberty, we are determined to show the meaning and promise of liberty." [Florida recount stopped by Supreme Court. The Patriot Act. 'Nuff said.]

"In America's ideal of freedom, the public interest depends on private character" [ah good, here we go into his moral admonitions...knew that had to come up] "...Self-government relies, in the end, on the governing of the self." [Read: "You morally depraved faggots and dykes! Stop with your sodomy!" 'cause you know that's what he's saying here, right?] "...That edifice of character is built in families [all families? including gay & lesbian families?], supported by communities with standards, and sustained in our national life by the truths of Sinai, the Sermon on the Mount, the words of the Koran, and the varied faiths of our people.
[Including Atheism? You know, I keep on hearing that America is a secular country and there's a separation of church and state but George Bush makes it clear in every public address that they are a theocracy. Well, fine, they voted for it, but I wish they'd stop trying to say both things at the same time.]

"Americans move forward in every generation by reaffirming all that is good and true that came before -- ideals of justice and conduct that are the same yesterday, today, and forever."
[Did someone say 'traditional definition of marriage'? I could have sworn I heard the words 'traditional definition of marriage' being murmured over and over and over...]

"In America's ideal of freedom, the exercise of rights is ennobled..."
["Ennobled"? Who taught you that word?]

"Americans, at our best, value the life we see in one another" [unless we want to execute you], "and must always remember that even the unwanted have worth" [unwanted embryos, that is...not unwanted "criminals". You, we execute.]

"We go forward with complete confidence in the eventual triumph of freedom. Not because history runs on the wheels of inevitability; it is human choices that move events. Not because we consider ourselves a chosen nation; God moves and chooses as He wills." [Theocracy: 1 : government of a state by immediate divine guidance or by officials who are regarded as divinely guided] ..."History has an ebb and flow of justice, but history also has a visible direction, set by liberty and the Author of Liberty." [Theocracy: 1 : government of a state by immediate divine guidance or by officials who are regarded as divinely guided] ...

"May God bless you, and may He watch over the United States of America." [Theocracy: 1 : government of a state by ... oh, whatever.]

Yeah, what *he* said....

"...But suppose that you're one of those persons who feels trapped, to some degree, trapped matrimonially, occupationally, educationally or geographically, or trapped in something larger than all those; trapped in a system, or what you might describe as an "increasingly deadening technocracy" or a "theatre of paranoia and desperation" or something like that. Now, if you are one of those persons (and the author doesn't mean to imply that you are), wouldn't the very knowledge that there are clockworks ticking away behind the wallpaper of civilization, unbeknownst to leaders, organizers and managers (the President included), wouldn't that knowledge, suggesting as it does the possibility of unimaginable alternatives, wouldn't that knowledge be a bubble bath for your heart?"
~ Tom Robbins: "Even Cowgirls Get The Blues"

I had a bubble bath this evening, but it did not heal my heart. There was rosemary extract in it though, so I guess that's alright.

Found Art and Rediscovered Mixes

Locked in a deep freeze, I beat a hasty retreat to the relative warmth of my apartment tonight to hide from a chill I carried with me. Is "going home to warm up in the bath" a sufficient reason to leave work early? I hope so, because I did it...

Sadly Crowbar Headquarters has all the insulation of a paper bag, so the warmth is comparitive, at best. Current outside temperature = -29 C, current inside temperature = -19 C (estimated). It's a trade-off: you won't keep warm living here, but the sniper sight lines are awesome and all the entrances are defensible.

Tom Waits is like audio whiskey and his voice brings the heat of the barroom in with it. I supply the smoke and through the haze I can almost believe I see the glint of a raised glass, though that may be a reflection off the frost on the windows. I unearthed an old Onan The Barbarian mix tonight, crammed full of back rooms and pool halls, and while placing it in the CD tray I noticed for the first time that Onan had labelled it with his own peculiar brand of wisdom. This is what it says:

"I peed on the third rail of love and my dick exploded and smelled funny, so I put it in the plastic bag of understanding, where it remains. It costs 2 dollars for a plastic cartoon figurine of a nun flashing her cookies on Yonge St. but for 6 bucks I can see the real thing. Go figure. If life hands you lemons put the lemons in the freezer for two hours and when Life has its back turned smoke him in the side of the head. I bet Life doesn't mess with you for a little while. Pants are for the weak, remember that son, but Dad drank so put that in context. The only reason flowers smell good is because shit stinks."

Onan sees with a different eye than most of us, I think.

Prison Diaries #1 - Who is Cake Wafit?

[...or a layman's explanation of one Crowbar's many secret identities...]

As we all know it is crucial for those who still advocate for outmoded concepts like social equality, elimination of class barriers, and accountability and justice for all to hide these seditious, destabilizing and anti-social activities at all times. The development of secret identities greatly assists in avoiding capture, fire-fights, re-education, and The Dark Side(TM)'s most devastating weapon; the insidious and irreversible "Co-optation". Our hero Crowbar is no exception and, as a result, has developed a number of different personas in order to cloak her true identity from The Dark Side(TM). One of Crowbar's more socially palatable disguises, Cake-With-A-File-In-It (Code-name: Cake Wafit), acts as an outside counsellor for teen women being held in custody, group homes, and various and sundry other Dark Side(TM) facilities. Only by employing stealthy counter-intelligence manoeuvres, and using the remarkable "woman-of-a-thousand-faces" technique, is our favourite spy able to enter and exit numerous shelters, 'homes-for-wayward-girls', and custodial institutions {sometimes called "jails" by Dark Side(TM) resistance forces}.

By posing as one of a tyrannical breed variously known as "youth counsellors", "social-service professionals", or simply "youth workers", Crowbar (in her Cake Wafit identity) is able to execute her duties as a double-agent and spread her seditious message inside the walls of some of The Dark Side(TM)'s most impenetrable Behavioural Modification & Reeducation Centres. Once inside the doors she goes to work undermining the destructive elements of incarceration using some of her specialty double-agent secret weapons, such as; The VALIDATOR, The NORMALIZER, The Non-Judgmental Sneak Attack, and the highly potent Accountability Serum (which triggers an abnormal obsession with telling-the-truth which forces Crowbar to be accountable for mistakes made by herself and others, even when doing so threatens to blow her cover). Through careful use of stealth tactics and body armour Crowbar smuggles her illicit arsenal through the weapons detectors of The Dark Side(TM)'s institutions on a near-daily basis.

As with any stealth mission, even the most careful operative can sometimes leave traces and clues behind, thus risking exposure, capture and/or reeducation attempts. Unfortunately, some Dark Side(TM) Behavioural Modification Technicians (code-named: PURE EVIL) in at least two Dark Side(TM) facilities may be beginning to question the Cake Wafit identity, and suspect her of being an enemy plant. In order to avoid detection she has recently been forced to employ some of the most sophisticated and difficult subterfuge techniques from her secret agent training, including;

(1) The Smiling and Nodding Ruse: Although not the most techically difficult, this simple technique can backfire when it is overused, used inappropriately, or applied incautiously. Any of the former can generate what's known as "The Rebound Effect", in that PURE EVIL begins to believe an operative has no power or authority, thus causing them to question, interfere with and obstruct the agent's daily activities still more.

(2) Displaying "Pro-Social" Attitudes: This more challenging tactic involves repeating certain illogical and indoctrinated terms and phrases at key times, suppressing any display of obviously anti-social behaviours such as "analysis" and "free-thought", and pretending to enjoy consumer-driven 'holidays' and activities that involve the acquisition of goods and/or status.

(3) The "Taking An Interest" Feint: This demanding sleight-of-hand involves appearing to be genuinely interested in PURE EVIL's thoughts, opinions, feelings and personal lives. This delicate manoeuvre requires adroit and judicious application and is best employed as a last resort (e.g. when an operative's cover is at risk of being blown), due to the danger of volatile and sometimes unpredictable consequences. It may also trigger unwanted side-effects for the operative such as overwhelming fatigue, dissociation, and hard-to-avoid social invitations.

More than all of these, however, by far the most difficult and demanding tactic to perfect and employ is the controversial Groupthink Smokescreen. This technique requires an agent to develop the ability to have entire conversations with PURE EVIL [or even whole rooms filled with PURE EVIL] and have PURE EVIL walk away believing the operative agreed with everything s/he/they said without noticing that the agent never actually affirmed a word of it. This technique requires such subtlety and gentle mind-control artistry that many operatives who obtain Third Degree Skill Status (also known as SuperSpy) have never trained in or perfected it. It is rarely discussed openly even among Double Agents as there are many who believe it to be ethically questionable. Some agents even fear it can have a secondary effect of opening broad vulnerability to the dreaded and irreversible CO-OPTATION disabling tactic. Most operatives prefer to hone the related, but much less perilous, "Displaying Pro-Social Attitudes" technique and there are many who are unaware that the "Groupthink Smokescreen" even exists.

Will Crowbar be able to maintain her secret identity as Cake Wafit by employing her arsenal of stealth tactics and successfully suppressing her urges to move to munitions? Stay tuned to Crowbar to find out....

Crowbar, How Can I See Archives Of Your Music, Reading & Docs Lists?

So you want to be able to see what I was listening to yesterday, huh? What, today's pick isn't good enough for ya? Okay then, this post acts as an archive page for the following sidebar sections:

• Song Of The Day
• Now Playing...
• Now Reading... [and, sometimes, Now Re-Reading...]
• Current Documentary Pick...
• Now Loitering...

I'll try to have dates accompanying the picks, but I can't promise anything...

Song Of The Day:

• January 17, 2005 - The Beautiful Mistake - Light A Match, For I Deserve To Burn
• January 18, 2005 - Knapsack - Cold Enough To Break
• January 20, 2005: Inauguration Day Special - Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name Of
• January 22, 2005 - Yellowman - Mr. Chin
• January 24, 2005 - Prodigy - Narayan
• January 30, 2005 - Jets To Brazil - Sea Anemone
• February 3, 2005 - Jets To Brazil - I Typed For Miles
• February 13, 2005 - Air - Alone In Kyoto
• February 14, 2005 - RJD2 - Ghostwriter
• February 23, 2005 - Morphine - Cure For Pain
• February 25, 2005 - Low - Broadway (So Many People)
• March 5, 2005 - King Missile - Gay/Not Gay
• March 14, 2005 - The Stars - Elevator Love Letter
• March 15, 2005 - Superconductor - Bushpilot
• March 20, 2005 - Gary Jules - Mad World
• April 13, 2005 - Ben Lee - Cigarettes Will Kill You
• April 18, 2005 - A Perfect Circle - Brena
• May 11, 2005 - Tegan and Sara - Living Room
• May 14, 2005 - Motorhead - Orgasmatron
• June 27, 2005 - Common featuring Kanye West - The Food
• May, 2007 - Brand New - Jesus Christ

Now Playing:

• January 17, 2005 - Morcheeba - Charango, Aphex Twin, Polygon Window, Richard D. James
• January 18, 2005 - Tom Waits - The Essential Mix IV
• January 20, 2005: Inauguration Day Special - Bad Religion - No Control
• January 22, 2005 - Stan Getz, Joao & Astrud Gilberto - Getz/Gilberto
• January 24, 2005 - Ursula Rucker - Supa Sista
• January 30, 2005 - Jets To Brazil - Orange Rhyming Dictionary
• January 30, 2005 - Death Cab For Cutie - Transatlanticism
• February 13, 2005 - The Cookiemaker Compilation: A Mix For All Occasions
• February 25, 2005 - Low - The Great Destroyer
• March 5, 2005 - Tom Waits - Real Gone
• April 13, 2005 - Metallica - St. Anger
• April 18, 2005 - Blink 182 - Buddha
• May 11, 2005 - Blink 182 - Blink 182
• May 14, 2005 - Social Distortion - White Light, White Heat, White Trash
• June 27, 2005 - Broken Social Scene - Feel Good Lost
• April 22, 2007 - Peter Bjorn and John - Writer's Block

Now Reading:

• January 17, 2005 - Tom Robbins: "Even Cowgirls Get The Blues"
• January 20, 2005: Inauguration Day Special - George Orwell: "1984" Full text free online.
• January 22, 2005 - "Ya Basta! Ten Years Of The Zapatista Uprising". Writings of Subcomandante Insurgente Marcos.
• February 13, 2005 - Jon Stewart & The Daily Show: "America, The Book"
• February 13, 2005 - Erika Lopez: "Flaming Iguanas: An All-Girl Road Novel Thingy"
• February 23, 2005 - J.R.R. Tolkien: "The Fellowship Of The Ring"
• March 20, 2005 - Voltaire: "Candide"
• May 14, 2005 - Amber Richelle Dean: "Locking Them Up To Keep Them 'Safe'"
• June 27, 2005 - Paula Gunn Allen: "The Sacred Hoop: Recovering The Feminine in Native American Traditions"
• April 22, 2007 - "Criminalizing Women: Gender and (In)Justice in Neo-Liberal Times". Eds: Comack & Balfour; Martha Gellhorn: "The Face of War"; "Canadian Journal of Women and the Law, Vol 17 No. 2"

Now Re-Reading:

• March 15, 2005 - Ayn Rand: "Atlas Shrugged"
• June 27, 2005 - William Gibson: "Burning Chrome"
• June 27, 2005 - Paula Gunn Allen: "Grandmothers Of The Light"
• April 22, 2007 - Stephen King: "The Stand: Complete and Uncut"

Current Documentary Pick:

• January 17, 2005 - "Crumb" The life of comic artist Robert Crumb.
• January 18, 2005 - "Give Me Your Soul" Canadian doc about the porn industry.
• January 20, 2005: Inauguration Day Special - "Control Room" A look at the Al Jazeera News Network and the differences in how they reported the war on Iraq.
• January 30, 2005 - Paradise Lost 2. How 3 teens were convicted of triple homicide based on black clothes and a taste for Metallica. Free the West Memphis Three.
• February 5, 2005 - The Secret Policeman. Brilliant undercover reporting from within the Manchester Police Force on the issue of racism on the force. Literally an edge-of-your-seat movie.
• February 23, 2005 - Southern Comfort. An outstanding film about Robert Eads, a female to male transsexual. Recommended viewing for all who still have their own questions to confront.
• March 15, 2005 - Sex In A Cold Climate. The devastating history of the "Magdalene Asylums" which served as prisons, in essence, for teen girls who were considered immoral, embarrassing or 'too pretty'. There were no release dates on these sentences.
• April 13, 2005 - Some Kind Of Monster. Metallica in group therapy, working out their "issues". Voyeurism at it's best, and most frightening.
• May 11, 2005 - "Ghosts of Attica". Chronicalling the most famous and brutal prison uprising in recent history. Don't forget we can shoot you if we feel like it.
• June 27, 2005 - Long Gone. A portrait of hobos and trainriders crossing America in boxcars. Didn't think they were still around, huh?
• April 22, 2007 - Zero Day. Okay, so it's not really a documentary. I was suspicious of this for a long time, but riveted when I finally caved and watched it. Chilling, not sensational, and maybe a little too real.

Now Loitering:

• January 17, 2005 - Air America Radio: Live streaming liberal sedition for those unafraid of slander suits.
• January 17, 2005 - 3WK Underground Radio: Live streaming radio for all your indie music needs.
• January 24, 2005 - Straightedgelifestyle.com: Great BBC documentary on straightedge plays directly when you load this site.
• February 3, 2005 - Media Matters For America: Media Watchdog and always interesting reading.
• February 13, 2005 - Fark: God help us all.
• March 20, 2005 - Donnie Darko Official Site: While not usually a movie site buff, this one interested me.
• May 11, 2005 - CSPAN: I can lose hours of my life watching Senate Committee Hearings.

Basically, every time I change one of those picks in the sidebar, I'll edit this post and add the one I replaced to the appropriate list. Thus, if you forgot the name of that thing you were looking at last week, you can just look up this post in the January 2005 archive and it should be listed here.

Oh right, that's assuming I don't get incredibly lazy, which is always a strong possibility. But we'll try. :-)

New Sections In Crowbar?! Where?!

While intensively immersing myself in HTML coding I have taught myself how to add some new sections to the Crowbar Blog, although very clumsily.

As of today, you'll find:

• Song Of The Day
• Now Playing...
• Now Reading...
• Current Documentary Pick...
• Now Loitering...

These can all be found in the sidebar to the right of the actual posts (the portion I've spent the LEAST time on, to date :-). I'm going to try to update them pretty regularly - particularly the Song Of The Day and Now Playing sections - so those of you who like yerselves some music might find some things you'll enjoy there. Sadly I can't link you to the actual songs/albums, but whenever possible I'll try to connect you to something that'll let you know more about the picks.

"The little bunny wanted to kill everyone in the barn..."

Crowbar Observation:You haven't lived until you've listened to L7, "Wargasm" at full blast while doing 120 down a highway in the middle of the night.

---

Today, at my friend Weederman's house, he told me he didn't do something; "Frank did it".

"Who's Frank?" I asked.

He indicated over my head on a shelf, where a small stuffed bunny head sat atop a miniature Stanley Cup. Frank stared down at me, long ears cocked, a jaunty bow around his severed neck. I looked back at Frank and glanced quizzically to Weederman. He answered my gaze, very seriously, and said, "Sometimes he tells me to do things."

"Sometimes on the subway he felt like
a little bunny rabbit

With a cute little bunny nose, and
long floppy ears

And a brand new submachine
gun

And a big bushy tail...

'Cause the little bunny wanted to kill
everyone.

The little bunny wanted to kill
everyone in the barn."

Thank you, King Missile.

Crowbar Update: As a follow-up to the bunny post Weederman now informs me that this is a reference to the movie, "Donnie Darko". Any copyright infringement actions should be directed to him, as punishment for making obscure pop culture references that Crowbar never gets.

How To Procrastinate With The Pros

STEP ONE: Decide you're finally going to get off your ass and create the damn blog everyone keeps telling you they think you should have.

STEP TWO: Become paralysed for weeks, because you can't set it up without a name and you can't settle on a name. You are, after all, going to have to live with this forEVER.

STEP THREE: Realize that getting stuck at Step 2 is the same thing that stopped you in your tracks a few months ago when you tried this. And a year ago when you tried this. Get frustrated, decide you hate the whole damn thing, walk away from the computer, and make microwave popcorn.

STEP FOUR: Repeat Steps 1 - 3 over and over, preferrably for years.

STEP FIVE: Finally decide on a name, go to the computer, discover it's been used already and return to Step 3.

STEP SIX: Finally think of a name that hasn't been used, enter the name, stare at the name, re-name it, go back to the first name, look for definitions of the name, and finally hit 'publish' when you are about 4 seconds away from walking away from the computer and making microwave popcorn. Immediately regret the name as soon as you see it on the page.

STEP SEVEN: Spend 4 hours fucking around with the template, because it becomes obvious that you simply MUST know hexadecimal colour coding in order to pick a template, which you simply MUST do before you can actually write anything. Ignore the fact that you could always change it later and instead treat it as though you are making a pact with your Creator. Once you are irretrievably lost in thousands of websites about what those 6 characters mean, decide that the concepts of 'additive' and 'subtractive' colour are something someone thought up while on a totally sadistic acid trip. Tell yourself that NO ONE could understand this shit, get frustrated and consider the relative merits of tamari almonds over microwave popcorn.

STEP EIGHT: Decide while squinting at colour codes that if you really want to set up this template thing *right* you are actually going to have to learn HTML coding. Do a new Google search and, once irretrievably lost in a thousand OTHER websites, begin an on-line tutorial which you calculate you can complete in about 8 weeks, if you work hard at it. Continue to protest to yourself that this is all *absolutely* necessary before you can write a word. You're not dicking around. Never.

STEP NINE: In Part 3 of Chapter 1 of your HTML tutorial realize that you're never going to remember all this stuff, so you'd really better set up a binder to keep relevant pages and info in. Spend another hour searching your house for a binder. Realize you'll have to clean out one that's already in use, and begin looking through those. As you obviously don't want to throw out anything important, start going through the handouts in the "Spanish" binder from that class you took 3 years ago. Wonder why you never DID finish learning Spanish? See if you can find your old Spanish dictionary.

STEP TEN: Start to get hungry while contemplating the difference between yo soy and yo estoy. Wonder if there's any microwave popcorn.