The Demon Spawn that Never Was
Crowbar Communique, filed at HQ at 08:36 a.m. EST:
Re: Last HQ Staff Update ("Wherefore Art Thou, Crowbar?"):
You know, this kind of irresponsible posting by the usually professional Crowbar HQ staff could create all kinds of misunderstandings. Ok, it's true, I've been missing in action for about a week. It is also true that I have had little to say to anyone about my activities (I'm a spy, goddamn it - what do you expect, a billboard?). But it appears the staff didn't think very carefully about their choice of sightings to report on. Let's think - staff listed:
No, friends and neighbours, our hero is not pregnant. Allow me to explain:
First, and most damning - the baby clothes. I could see how this could lead someone astray. Perhaps it will make more sense if I point out that one of the groups Cake Wafit does support work with is teen moms out of a local home for Wayward Girls (didn't think we still had those, huh?). This means that sleepers, receiving blankets, playpens and nursing pillows have all become a part of the Crowbar lexicon. Believe me, having chosen not to procreate and believing that baby showers are the tenth circle of hell, no one is more stunned than I about the ridiculous amounts of time I am now forced to spend sorting through baby clothes and pretending to have mushy feelings about miniature sizes. Hey, if it's important to my service users it's important to me but, truth be told, I feel pretty much the same about baby shopping as I do about the grown-up kind, i.e. if I can't get it at Army Surplus, it's a pain in my ass.
Next, the food. Okay, I know that one's weird, but also explainable...the grocery shopping resulted from guilt feelings about Resistance Force affiliates who cook for me, as my own highest culinary achievement is burning water. I felt I should do something to try to contribute, and thus found myself in a grocery store, buying salad in a bag. The other food forays are connected to my push to force myself to stop being the suckiest-friend-ever. I have done more sociable-type things in the last month than in the last year. Of course this means I have been notably absent in updating you - if I am keeping up with one thing, I must inevitably fuck up another - it's just the way it works in Crowbar world. Now, if the cycle holds, I will go underground for another 6 months until everyone hates me again and then start madly scheduling apologetic breakfast dates.
And finally, the moodiness. Right off the top I'll say "I am Crowbar". This is equivalent to saying "I am volatile". Mood swings are my stock and trade. That said, I cannot comment enough on the tractor thing. Crowbar loves to drive, Crowbar loves to smash. Put Crowbar behind the wheel of a vehicle so big it can crush insignificant little imports like bugs, and you have a happy revolutionary. Next I'm gonna hotwire the combine and drive over a police station. Wheeeee!
And yes, I stormed out of a meeting. But I was right. What was going on in that meeting was bullshit, and it's just lucky I didn't break out the napalm. All things considered, I think I handled the situation rather well and I did at least wait until our scheduled adjourning time before I tore out of the parking lot, so maybe Cake should stop telling tales.
So, you see, there are always rational explanations for everything and if certain HQ Staff members weren't a bunch of drama queens, you, the Resistance Force, would have found this out in due time. But noooooo, they have to go and post anxiety-provoking messages - you can bet I'll be holding a little staff meeting this morning.
Speaking of which, some of them are standing behind me now, kicking the ground with awkward, abashed looks on their faces. I think it may be conference time - ignore the screaming, please.
Re: Last HQ Staff Update ("Wherefore Art Thou, Crowbar?"):
You know, this kind of irresponsible posting by the usually professional Crowbar HQ staff could create all kinds of misunderstandings. Ok, it's true, I've been missing in action for about a week. It is also true that I have had little to say to anyone about my activities (I'm a spy, goddamn it - what do you expect, a billboard?). But it appears the staff didn't think very carefully about their choice of sightings to report on. Let's think - staff listed:
- 3 sightings that involved eating
- 2 sightings that involved moodiness
- 1 sighting that involved baby clothes
Subject: Wtf?See, this is how unsubstantiated rumours get started. Crowbar? Pregnant? Perhaps I've never mentioned that Crowbar, like the Black Widow spider, devours her partners immediately after coitus, thus putting a bit of a damper on the line-up of clamouring suitors. For some reason, ardour appears to cool after hearing, "Well, I could have sex with you, but then I'd have to kill you." A few bodies in your backyard and suddenly everyone gets all 'nervous'...
"Holy shit, CB! Just read your blog, are you pregnant?"
No, friends and neighbours, our hero is not pregnant. Allow me to explain:
First, and most damning - the baby clothes. I could see how this could lead someone astray. Perhaps it will make more sense if I point out that one of the groups Cake Wafit does support work with is teen moms out of a local home for Wayward Girls (didn't think we still had those, huh?). This means that sleepers, receiving blankets, playpens and nursing pillows have all become a part of the Crowbar lexicon. Believe me, having chosen not to procreate and believing that baby showers are the tenth circle of hell, no one is more stunned than I about the ridiculous amounts of time I am now forced to spend sorting through baby clothes and pretending to have mushy feelings about miniature sizes. Hey, if it's important to my service users it's important to me but, truth be told, I feel pretty much the same about baby shopping as I do about the grown-up kind, i.e. if I can't get it at Army Surplus, it's a pain in my ass.
Next, the food. Okay, I know that one's weird, but also explainable...the grocery shopping resulted from guilt feelings about Resistance Force affiliates who cook for me, as my own highest culinary achievement is burning water. I felt I should do something to try to contribute, and thus found myself in a grocery store, buying salad in a bag. The other food forays are connected to my push to force myself to stop being the suckiest-friend-ever. I have done more sociable-type things in the last month than in the last year. Of course this means I have been notably absent in updating you - if I am keeping up with one thing, I must inevitably fuck up another - it's just the way it works in Crowbar world. Now, if the cycle holds, I will go underground for another 6 months until everyone hates me again and then start madly scheduling apologetic breakfast dates.
And finally, the moodiness. Right off the top I'll say "I am Crowbar". This is equivalent to saying "I am volatile". Mood swings are my stock and trade. That said, I cannot comment enough on the tractor thing. Crowbar loves to drive, Crowbar loves to smash. Put Crowbar behind the wheel of a vehicle so big it can crush insignificant little imports like bugs, and you have a happy revolutionary. Next I'm gonna hotwire the combine and drive over a police station. Wheeeee!
And yes, I stormed out of a meeting. But I was right. What was going on in that meeting was bullshit, and it's just lucky I didn't break out the napalm. All things considered, I think I handled the situation rather well and I did at least wait until our scheduled adjourning time before I tore out of the parking lot, so maybe Cake should stop telling tales.
So, you see, there are always rational explanations for everything and if certain HQ Staff members weren't a bunch of drama queens, you, the Resistance Force, would have found this out in due time. But noooooo, they have to go and post anxiety-provoking messages - you can bet I'll be holding a little staff meeting this morning.
Speaking of which, some of them are standing behind me now, kicking the ground with awkward, abashed looks on their faces. I think it may be conference time - ignore the screaming, please.
posted by Crowbar at 10:50 a.m.
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