Prison Diaries # 4 - I Could Have Been A Waitress
The following communique was received from Cake Wafit at Crowbar Headquarters last night, marked 'Urgent':
Subject: "Help. Trapped with Crowbar Resistance Force Operative Squirrelly in a room full of hostile teenage girls."
"We are trapped in a room full of girls who hate each other. They are hitting each other, calling each other 'bitch', 'fucker' and a plethora of other names, coughing, sighing, fidgeting and interrupting when someone they don't like is speaking, and loudly commenting on the behaviour and attitudes of "some people" when clearly referring to the girl next to them.
In the last hour alone one group member:
The PURE EVIL Dark Side(TM) staff operatives have also got some kind of latent hostility problem. From the moment we arrrived we noticed they would not look us in the eye, made us talk (in falsely friendly tones) to the backs of their heads, and generally displayed the kind of behaviour that would have them locked in their cells for "attitude" were they incarcerated in the facility rather than running it. This has spread to the young women and elevated the tension to unsustainable levels. It appears interactions are teetering only inches away from explosion. Our attempts to defuse this in group have thus far failed miserably.
Squirrelly is beginning to live up to her code-name and is starting to twitch every time she sees another smack get delivered. I am having difficulty containing Crowbar, who is leaking through my cover identity and saying things like, "Ok fuck, we've got better things to do than sit here and watch you two kick the shit out of each other".
We fear we may be getting close to losing it, pulling out our weaponry and screaming, "Ok, that's it, shut up, all of you fuckers and listen up! You're gonna fuckin' get along, understand?! You're going to be supportive and validating for each other or this room turns into a bloodbath, get it?! Now BE NICE!!"
We have aborted the group mission in order to avoid all-out brawling and plan to pull out soon. We are returning to Headquarters and will require alcohol, debriefing and reinforcements before we are reinserted into the mission next week."
- Cake & Squirrelly Out.
Subject: "Help. Trapped with Crowbar Resistance Force Operative Squirrelly in a room full of hostile teenage girls."
"We are trapped in a room full of girls who hate each other. They are hitting each other, calling each other 'bitch', 'fucker' and a plethora of other names, coughing, sighing, fidgeting and interrupting when someone they don't like is speaking, and loudly commenting on the behaviour and attitudes of "some people" when clearly referring to the girl next to them.
In the last hour alone one group member:
- snapped a plastic protective poster cover in half and tried to stick it back on the wall so no one would find out
- wore a lampshade on her head
- spun the aforementioned lampshade around on the lamp until it flew off and nearly broke her finger
- stood on the furniture pulling wire tacks out of the ceiling in order to get an extra tack and thus re-wire the room we were in
- got stucco in her eyes while performing the above task
- climbed up 6 feet to the top of a tackle dummy and "rode" it in a graphic sex pantomime
- interrupted everyone else's sentences, every time they spoke, even while explaining the "no interrupting" rule to other members
- called other women "bitch" no less than 25 times
- called other women "fat bitch" no less than 20 times
- hit, pinched, flicked and kicked another group member no less than 20 times when she thought we weren't looking (and sometimes when we were)
The PURE EVIL Dark Side(TM) staff operatives have also got some kind of latent hostility problem. From the moment we arrrived we noticed they would not look us in the eye, made us talk (in falsely friendly tones) to the backs of their heads, and generally displayed the kind of behaviour that would have them locked in their cells for "attitude" were they incarcerated in the facility rather than running it. This has spread to the young women and elevated the tension to unsustainable levels. It appears interactions are teetering only inches away from explosion. Our attempts to defuse this in group have thus far failed miserably.
Squirrelly is beginning to live up to her code-name and is starting to twitch every time she sees another smack get delivered. I am having difficulty containing Crowbar, who is leaking through my cover identity and saying things like, "Ok fuck, we've got better things to do than sit here and watch you two kick the shit out of each other".
We fear we may be getting close to losing it, pulling out our weaponry and screaming, "Ok, that's it, shut up, all of you fuckers and listen up! You're gonna fuckin' get along, understand?! You're going to be supportive and validating for each other or this room turns into a bloodbath, get it?! Now BE NICE!!"
We have aborted the group mission in order to avoid all-out brawling and plan to pull out soon. We are returning to Headquarters and will require alcohol, debriefing and reinforcements before we are reinserted into the mission next week."
- Cake & Squirrelly Out.
posted by Crowbar at 9:15 a.m.
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