Ask Me No Questions And I'll Still Tell You Lies

Like most zealots, Crowbar is often unrelenting and unforgiving in her moral exactitude. She holds individuals and herself to a standard of absolute consistency that is near-impossible to maintain. Knowing this, we find one peculiarity in her personality difficult to explain: Crowbar passionately hates the Nigerian Email Scammers.

Now we know what some of you are thinking: "Why shouldn't she? We all get furious when we receive those ridiculous emails telling us the writer has personally selected us to help them collect 20 million dollars if we'll just put out a little cash up front." There seems to be no good reason Crowbar wouldn't despise email scammers, right?

Not quite. Crowbar is the type of obnoxious person who immediately starts countering your points about these idiots with information about the rates of poverty and unemployment in Africa versus the rate of consumption for the average American. She'll start pointing out that when you condemn people to a futureless existence, provide them with no opportunities to earn a living wage, and make health and education a privilege only the wealthiest can afford, they will begin to come up with more ingenius ways to attempt to create a better, more financially stable, future. In short, she'll essentially tell you the beast is of your own creation.

Usually.

In the case of the Nigerian email scammers, Crowbar knows all these things but, for some unexplained reason, cannot control her rage and fury when she receives one of the infamous, god-heavy pleas for assistance or "business opportunities". Thus, after sending her an urgent request to help him disburse his millions of dollars to charity (due to his overwhelming deathbed wish to reconcile himself with God) one "El-Basir Mahjoub" found himself the unlucky recipient of the following Crowbar reply this morning:

You are scum.
You are garbage wrapped in skin.
Don't you check out who you're fucking with before you send this crap out?
What makes you think spouting deranged subservience to non-existent gods is going to do anything less than enrage me?

I hate people who try to steal from the poor, and I hate people who babble bullshit about "god".

You will be dealt with.

We've told Crowbar a million times that she just makes an ass of herself when she stoops to sending out these ridiculous threats. We've told her that the recipient doesn't give a shit, as they've sent their email out to hundreds of thousands of people and her silly little replies aren't even read. She knows it, and yet she can't stop herself from pounding out her weak attempts to assert her supposed superiority. It's kind of pathetic, really. She knows it isn't any different than the kid in the schoolyard who replies to verbal taunts by yelling: "I don't care what you say either, because you're STUPID and you STINK!" We've gently suggested that this would seem to be the action of one who really does care. Like the kid in the schoolyard, all we get for our efforts is a dirty look and muttered curses now directed at us.

We've found our best response is directing Crowbar to one of the many "scam-baiter" websites, home of folks who have truly perfected the fine art of fucking with other people. One has to be careful to avoid the inevitable racist-disguised-as-prankster sites, but currently www.scamorama.com seems to be doing a good job of keeping CB amused without pissing her off still further.

All her annoyance becomes truly worth it when these talented scam-baiters actually get the email con-artist to send them money instead. It's a thing of beauty to behold, even if it is illegal. 'Cause you know how we here at the Resistance Force feel about things that are illegal, right? Right.